The other day I was driving, listening to the new Toby Keith song, "Waymon's Song." In it, one of the lines is, "I'm not cryin' for you...I'm cryin' for me." And it hit me like a ton of bricks...just how selfish my grief has been and still is.
I mean, I'm not saying that I shouldnt have been sad that my Dad is gone...that I wont ever be sad again....but the reasons that I am sad...are well, selfish. I miss him, I will never get to see him again, I cant talk to him. And I have seen that reflected in my grief for Weslie's situation - I hope she wont be teased about her hand, I want her to hold a crayon, I fear what other things have been affected.
But when I have removed myself from the situations and really thought about each instance...my grief seems to be lifted a bit...seems alittle lighter. In Dad's case...for some reason, his heart failed...his body just couldnt go on. Does that take away anything from who he was...absolutely not. But knowing...and really accepting that his body just couldnt function properly (heck, maybe he had some condition all his life that we just never knew about), helps to ease the pain of him being gone.
And in Weslie's case...watching her progress...and watching her be able to do the littlest things with her hand helps me to accept that everything will be okay. Will she ever write with her right hand...maybe not. Will she even be able to hold things with her right hand...we hope so. But even if she doesnt, its okay...it wont change who she is. And we hope that it wont change how she sees herself (because she wont have ever known any difference.)
I guess what I am saying is that when I grieve...whether for the loss of my Dad...or for the condition of our girl...I'm not sad for them, I'm sad for me. And accepting that I can control that thought process...well, it might make things alittle easier to handle.
4 comments:
So beautifully wrote! I never thought of it from that perspective and you are SO RIGHT! As far as Wes goes, of course you want only but the best for her. You wouldn't be a mom if you didn't! Saying an extra little prayer for you today friend! So thankful that the blogging world put you in my life!
This is the same thing I told my sister, Laine, after Chelsea died. I told her that we can be sad for us, but never for Chel. She is in a much better place and far happier now than she was here. We have to be happy for those that have gone before, but we can't help but be sad for ourselves.
Such true and wise words. Its just keeping those thoughts in the forefront of our minds so the "what if's" don't overshadow the good things that we are so totally greatful for. I try to tell myself this everyday. Hope you all are doing well!
First of all you made me cry at 7:30am and at work! Don't do that again :)
Second, I can totally relate to Weslie's situation. I don't even like calling it a "situation". As you know, I'm mostly blind in my right eye. Always have been. Did I ever have bad days where I thought I was missing out on some things b/c of it? Yes. But has it ever stopped me from doing something I wanted to do? No. Well, except for watching 3-D movies :) Weslie's right hand is not only going to get stronger, it's going to help make her stronger. My mom worried the same way you do for Weslie. It's a natural fear. But just know that if I can do it, I KNOW Weslie can do it. I love you A!! And kiss my prince and princess for me!!
Post a Comment