The Discipline Deal

Discipline. I think aside from having the “birds and the bees” talk with your children (which we haven’t had to do yet, thank goodness) it may be the hardest part of parenting. There are so many “ways” to do it…and I don’t think that as the parent you ever truly feel like you are doing it right – because no matter what tactic is used…the kid is going to be a kid and eventually screw up again and again.

And that is what’s happening with Kade. Over the course of the last week, Kade has had 3 different discipline notes sent home from school. The first was that he spanked one of the teachers on the behind, then on Monday, he was pushing and shoving another kid to get into the bathroom. And yesterday it was a whole slew of actions – tripped a kid, knocked a kid’s tower down, hit a kid with a toy. It was a bad day.

So after the first note came home, we talked with Kade about the appropriate way to act in school…and what the consequences would be if another note got sent home. Well, yesterday, both notes from Monday and Tuesday were sent home – and I was left to punish Kade. He had to come home and go straight to his room…no playing outside with his friends and no TV for the evening. (I even didn’t let him choose what he wanted to eat for dinner or have a choice in what he drank.) And I think, by his relentless crying, that not playing outside was the biggest action taken. He HATED having to tell his friends that he was in trouble and couldn’t play outside.

Then after dinner, I bathed Kade separately from Weslie (so he couldn’t play with her) and put him in his bed for the evening…it was like 7:15pm.

Caton walked in about that time…I had already texted him everything that had happened, so that he would be in the know when he walked in the house. He and Kade spent a lot of time talking in Kade’s bedroom…and when Kade emerged, he came and gave me a big hug and apologized for making me feel embarrassed about his behavior.

Because to be honest, I am exactly that - COMPLETELY embarrassed. I feel like he is the “trouble-maker” of his class and the only one acting up. I mean, I KNOW he’s not…and I know he’s going to act up…but to continually get notes home really sucks.

And I don’t want to be the parent that disciplines with fear. I want Kade to understand that there are consequences for his actions…but I don’t want him to fear Caton or I and what we might “do to him” because of those actions. But how do you strike that balance? Where the child thinks twice before performing a “bad” act…yet isn’t scared of you as their parent.

I guess at this point, all we can do is hope that taking away his playtime in the evenings…and taking away his ability to choose the few things that he does have control over…will make him stop and think before acting.

I also made what I would call a “positive deal” with him this morning. So that instead of continually focusing on what will get taken away if he is bad…this is what he will get if he is good. And our deal is that if Kade can get 5 “happy faces” on his discipline report – meaning that he doesn’t act up at all for a week – then we will take him to the pet store and let him pick out a fish. (At this house in KY, we wont be able to have a dog…so Caton and I figured that a fish might be a great place to start with our house pets.) Kade asked, “What if I get 10 happy faces, Momma?” And without even thinking, I said, “Well, I guess you would be able to get 2 fish.”

Let’s hope that we have to buy a really big fish tank!!!