My "Plan B"

So this post will probably ramble, will probably not make much sense...but it is something I need to write. I need to put on "paper" to validate what I am feeling. So bear with me...

With Dad's passing...EVERYTHING that I thought would turn out for my future has been rocked, turned upsidedown, and replaced differently in my life. When I used to look into the future, I would see Keith and I getting older with kids all around, and GK and Pops living life through our children's eyes - with Pops teaching them how to fish and GK making sure that they are outfitted in the best clothes possible. Dad would have taught Kade how to fly a kite at the beach this summer, let him help drive the boat, and play ball in the sand (even though we all know Dad loved the beach, but hated the sand!!!)

Now, as I look down the road, Dad is watching from above. Watching his son-in-law (who is more of a son than son-in-law) teach his grandson all of the things that he would have taught Kade. Watching his oldest daughter have a daughter of her own. Yes, he is still with us, but not in a capacity to be with my children...at least not now while they are too young to understand about heaven and angels and all.

I stumbled across a blog of a pastor of a church in Nashville...and one of his entries was about "Your Plan B." Meaning, that there is a point in everyone's life that the path you thought your life was going ends and you are thrust into "Your Plan B." It can be anything that rocks your world as you know it and changes your dreams. For me, for now, this is Dad's death. I NEVER, in a million years, would have guessed that I would be 27 years old, have a husband, a child, one on the way, and tragically lose my father. If you would have told me that years ago, I would have laughed in your face and shrugged it all off.

Now I turn to reality, and have to walk through the rest of my life without him. This has now become my "Plan B." And as I try to come to a resting place with God...try to find a place where I am not angry with Him, where I can enter a Church and feel comforted instead of resentful, where I can look at other children with their grandfathers and not be jealous...I am semi-comforted knowing that this wasnt God's Plan B for me at all. That He has known all along that this would happen...this was His Plan A for me. He knows that I will be angry, He knows that it will be hard for me to attend Church without resentment, He knows that my heart is missing a piece...and He is okay with it all. He can take it all. When I cry and quietly scream at Him...He can take it. He knows how I feel, what I feel, before I do. And He can take it!!!

That is truly amazing...and for now, as I try to maneuver through what is now my Plan...He knows what is going to happen...and if I can just trust in Him...honestly offer it all up to Him...He will give me comfort. He will bring me the peace that I so long for.

God is truly amazing...and my Plan B (life without Dad) is slowly (very slowly)becoming acceptable.